


The first time Koujaku admitted to someone else that he can find men attractive

by DragonReine



Series: A Series of Firsts [4]
Category: DRAMAtical Murder - All Media Types
Genre: Canon - Anime, M/M, Phone Sex, Post-Anime
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-04
Updated: 2015-01-04
Packaged: 2018-02-28 11:34:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2730950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DragonReine/pseuds/DragonReine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Koujaku and Noiz continue to learn new things about each other, Mizuki is an awesome/awful friend, and Noiz convinces Koujaku to have phone sex.</p><blockquote>
  <p>"It?" Koujaku said with a laugh. "A baby is not a doll, brat. Was it a girl or a boy?"</p>
  <p>"A girl."</p>
  <p>"I see," Koujaku said, and he did see, his brain bringing up images of Noiz awkwardly trying to balance the weight of a squirming kidlet in his arms. He pressed his hand to his mouth, stifling the snickers that threatened to burst out of it. It really was too cute to imagine. "How was it?"</p>
  <p>Noiz was silent for a long time. "Warm. Soft. Heavier than I expected." Noiz went quiet for a moment, and when he spoke again, his voice was just barely louder than a whisper. "She scared me."</p>
</blockquote>
            </blockquote>





	The first time Koujaku admitted to someone else that he can find men attractive

**Author's Note:**

> Un-betaed; all mistakes are my own.

Koujaku was a man who valued routine.

It wasn't as if he was a  _stickler_  for it, not exactly. But for him, routine meant that he could keep things predictable, keep things _safe._ Routine was something that kept him from sinking into his darkest memories, kept him from reaching out for his blade and ending his life. 

In short, routine was something that kept him  _sane_.

When he returned to Midorijima, he had rebuilt his life with the intent to surround himself with reminders of happier times, of more peaceful memories, and he built a routine around keeping those reminders close and constant. His business, his relationships with the people around him, even the furnishings in his home; all of these were designed to put him in a state of mind where he wouldn't be overwhelmed by his anger, his pain, and his guilt.

By maintaining that routine, he was less likely to run into a situation that would startle the monster lurking in his skin into waking up, and hurting the people he cared for the most.

But whatever Aoba's Scrap had done to him, it was as if it had cauterised the bleeding wounds left behind on his heart by the murders he had committed on the mainland, and had immediately healed them, leaving aged scars bfehind. He could still look back on his memories, still remember what had happened, but the pain and anger associated with them had been dulled, so they no longer overwhelmed him when he had even the slightest of stray thoughts about them.

It should alarm him, that he had something as fundamental as his emotions and memories altered like that, but all Koujaku could feel was a sense of relief, and gratefulness towards Aoba. Those feelings about his memories of the past had been cut away, and they could no longer bind and trap him in an endless cycle of self-pity. 

It meant he could move on with his life.

He still kept to his routine, however. Not because he needed them to keep his memories locked away in a dark room where he wouldn't have to look at them, but because he genuinely enjoyed how his life had grown on Midorijima. He could now slip into his routine and gain genuine comfort from it, instead of using it to run from his past.

His days still had most of the same, predictable schedule as before. He woke up early and went out to find a gym or dojo frequented by members of Benishigure or Dry Juice, and he sparred with anyone who was up to the challenge of fighting one-on-one with him until it was near noon. After that, he went back home to shower and change into fresh clothes, and went out to find a place to set up shop. He would then spend the afternoon and most of the evening attending to his customers, cutting their hair and entertaining them, before he left for the Seragaki residence or Black Needle, letting himself unwind in the presence of smiling friends. Once he had his fill of pleasant company, he would then return home.

But the similarities end there. 

In the past, he would have let himself sink into the soft embrace of a willing woman and allowed himself to be distracted by the pleasure of her body, or he would have tried to sleep before the memories of his past slipped through and came to the forefront of his exhausted mind.

Nowadays, he would end up propped up against his pillows, relaxing with one last smoke of the day, and wait for his Coil to start ringing.

Noiz always called at exactly the same time each day, to the point that Koujaku knew the moment the clock on his Coil display changed, the ringing would start. He once teasingly asked Noiz if he realised how  _creepy_  it was to be so exact about when he called, down to the very second, to which Noiz retorted that Koujaku would be the creepy one since he actually  _noticed,_ which implied that Koujaku actually watched his Coil and counted the time, and...well, there's no way to defend that sort of accusation, especially since it was true. 

It was strange, at first, having these conversations with Noiz. There was a lot of awkwardness for the first few calls, the two of them pausing for too long, or both speaking up at the same time. Eventually Koujaku, fed up with a too-long moment of silence, impulsively started talking about how he, as a child, used to admire his mother's long and silky hair, and that he became a hairdresser partly in dedication to her, and partly because his mother used to allow him to help braid up and brush out her hair, and that he knew was good at it. He mentioned that the hairpin he wore used to belong to her, and he let his hair grow long as a way to keep the memories of her close.

It had made his palms sweat, to open his heart up like that and talk about his mother without reservation to someone else, but Noiz simply listened without judgement, and at the end of it he quietly told Koujaku that he was lucky, to at least know how a mother's love felt like, and Noiz could tell that Koujaku loved her dearly from his voice. 

That seemed to break the ice between them, and they were able to have much smoother conversation after that. 

It was rather domestic, really, when Koujaku thought about it. He'd read stories about how couples usually ask each other "How are you? How was your day?" over dinner and such, and that was how a lot of their talking was like. Small things, simple things, day-to-day things. Telling each other about what was going on in their lives, occasionally asking each other about what they thought about certain situations.

They do bicker, still; they bicker  _a lot_ , in fact, but Koujaku suspected that this was something between them that was unlikely to disappear over time. Noiz seemed to gain some kind of perverse thrill from riling Koujaku up, and frankly he never had very good self-control when it came to deliberate baiting. But Noiz was never malicious about it, not any longer, and it was comforting in its own way for Koujaku, to be able to drop the masks he wore each day and to be emotionally honest to someone like that. Noiz made it quite clear that he expected Koujaku to not try to hide his emotions, and in return Noiz was disarmingly honest in a way that humbled him, knowing that he had the brat's trust.

Koujaku could almost forgive the fact that when it came to verbal sparring, Noiz often left Koujaku floundering in the dust. The brat had a way with words that even  _Aoba_ didn't have, and he thought that Aoba had a pretty impressive talent for sarcastic retorts.

On some nights, when they were both feeling more whimsical, they asked each other more direct questions about their preferences in things. Places they want to go, their favourite colors, favourite foods...that sort of thing.

* * *

"Pflau-what?"

" _Pflaumengefüllte schweinelende mit serviettenknödel_ ," Noiz repeated, and he sounded oddly different when the foreign words rolled off his tongue. A little deeper, a little more resonant; Koujaku felt the tiniest of shivers run down his spine. "It's pork loin stuffed and rolled with plums, served with a kind of bread dumpling that is cooked in a napkin."

"Ah, why didn't you say so, brat?"

"Just wanted to hear you twist your tongue while trying to saying it," Noiz replied. "But you gave up so easily. I'm disappointed."

Koujaku wished he could reach through the Coil and strangle the stupid, aggravating little shit.

* * *

His most memorable conversations with Noiz, however, were the times when Noiz talked of the moments he learned new things about the world using his regained sense of touch. There was always a sense of wonder and muted joy when Noiz told him about such things. He sounded like that even when he talked about his accidental injuries, like the sting of a papercut or the burn of a too-hot piece of toast, and it made Koujaku's heart ache every time, knowing that Noiz had never experienced that kind of basic human sensation, so much that he didn't even know how to avoid hurting himself. 

But Noiz telling him about the pleasant experiences of learning new sensations always made Koujaku smile, like the time a cat decided to twine around Noiz's legs, and he told Koujaku how it felt running his fingers through its thick fur and feeling the rumble of its purr. And that one time he was asked to hold a baby...

* * *

"You've never held a baby before?"

"Mm-hmm. My parents wouldn't let me go near anyone I could hurt, and when I came to Midorijima I never mixed with a crowd that would involve little children in their activities," Noiz said, his voice quiet. He always sounded like that whenever he mentioned his past, as if he was afraid to admit things out loud. "My mother was there, but she didn't manage to warn her friend in time before she put the baby in my arms and showed me how to hold it."

"It?" Koujaku said with a laugh. "A baby is not a  _doll_ , brat. Was it a girl or a boy?"

"A girl." 

"I see," Koujaku said, and he did see, his brain bringing up images of Noiz awkwardly trying to balance the weight of a squirming kidlet in his arms. He pressed his hand to his mouth, stifling the snickers that threatened to burst out of it. It really was too cute to imagine. "How was it?"

Noiz was silent for a long time. "Warm. Soft. Heavier than I expected." Noiz went quiet for a moment, and when he spoke again, his voice was just barely louder than a whisper. "She scared me."

Koujaku frowned. "Scared you?" he echoed. "Why? She's just a baby; babies can't harm you."

"That's not..." Noiz sucked in a breath, before he let it out in a shuddering sigh. "She felt so  _fragile_. Her mom showed me how to hold her head, so I don't accidentally injure her neck. And I was terrified I might hurt her, but I also wanted...I wanted to protect her, even though I've never met her until then. I never felt anything like that before. Is that normal?"

 _Ah._ Koujaku felt a smile curve his mouth, but it was just as pained as it was affectionate. "It's normal," he said, making his tone as soothing and reassuring as possible. "It's only human to feel that way."

He had chosen his words deliberately, knowing the impact they would have on Noiz, but his heart still broke a little when he heard Noiz's breathing hitch at the word "human". At that moment he wished with every fibre of his being that he could cross the literal continents between them, so he could pull Noiz into his arms and rain kisses on every inch of the brat's face.

Alas, that was not possible, so Koujaku had to use words instead of gestures, constantly reminding Noiz that he was not the monster that his parents had taught him to believe.

* * *

Speaking of kisses...

Although they'd never discussed the issue of exclusivity, Koujaku had stopped responding to the flirtations thrown his way ever since he and Noiz had parted ways at Aoba's home. The idea of going back to his old habit of sleeping around felt distasteful,  _wrong_. Koujaku was no cheat, even in the casual relationships he had in the past, and this thing between him and Noiz was far from casual to him, no matter what Noiz thought. 

Besides, it just wasn't fair to any of the lovely women who flung themselves at him; he simply couldn't find the heart to treat them with the full care and attention of a lover, and they deserved to be treated like the beautiful treasures that they were by someone who can afford that attention.

So Koujaku made sure to stay polite and gracious, but also to never show any reciprocal interest back, carefully dodging around the fluttering eyes and wandering hands and coy invitations. It had confused his clients at first; some had tried even harder to seduce him, to which Koujaku had to put his foot down, metaphorically speaking, and firmly tell them that _no_ , he wasn't interested in their offers. He still felt a pang of guilt whenever his rejections were met with moist eyes and wobbling lips, but he resisted the urge to reach out and comfort them; he told himself that they really deserved to be treated fairly, and it was best if they learned that early.

Eventually word of his changed behaviour began to spread, and he received less and less offers. Weirdly enough, it seemed to attract more business, instead of doing the opposite as he had expected. Even more strangely enough, his new clientèle tended to be from an older set of women than he was used to; women who were clearly in various stages of a happy and committed relationship, and women who seem to prefer not having any relationship at all. They paid very well for his services, however, far more so than the younger girls that used to be his customers, so Koujaku wasn't complaining.

Unfortunately, it also meant that said information would reach the ears of his friends eventually, and Koujaku should had predicted that _someone_ would eventually comment upon it.

* * *

"So...word on the street is that a certain hairstylist has stopped picking up girls, lately."

Koujaku paused, beer bottle halfway to his mouth, and glanced up at Mizuki for a brief moment before smiling and putting the bottle back down. "Gossiping? I thought you're above that."

Mizuki rolled his eyes as he drank from his own bottle. "We both know that keeping up gossip is important for Rib, Koujaku, don't change the subject."

Koujaku shrugged. "Doesn't mean that everything you hear is true."

The look Mizuki sent him was distinctly unimpressed. "Koujaku, we've been friends for how long? I know you like your routine, so when your behaviour breaks it, I can't help but be a little worried." His face softened. "Did something happen? You don't usually act so aloof with women."

Mizuki's wide-eyed concern was too uncomfortable to look at for long; Koujaku dropped his gaze, and studied a drop of condensation as it flowed down the smooth green glass of his beer bottle, joining the little ring of water that had formed around the base of it on the counter top.

He had avoided the question of _how_ he was going to explain this tentative relationship with Noiz to his friends, in part because he wasn't sure how to categorise their relationship; they talk almost every day, but it didn't feel like _dating_ to him. Mostly, however, he was worried about what sort of reaction his friends would have towards the idea that he was not only in a relationship with a _man_ , but that said man was Noiz, former Rhyme player and Ruff Rabbit's ace, and known to be generally disdainful of Rib.

But this was Mizuki, one of the few people in his life that he could truly call a good friend; Mizuki, who he cared about like a brother, and respected as a fellow Rib team leader.

Mizuki deserved to know the truth, at the very least. Maybe not the whole truth for now, but Koujaku couldn't lie to him about this. He looked around; it was a rather quiet night at Black Needle, and there wasn't anyone within hearing vicinity. He and Mizuki were the only two people at the bar, and since it was technically Mizuki's night off he was sitting beside Koujaku, instead of working on the other side of the counter. Even so, Koujaku lowered his voice, making sure that his words were for Mizuki's ears only.

"I'm dating someone."

Mizuki was silent for a long while, his expression stunned, before a wide grin broke over his face. " _Really?_ "

"Really," Koujaku said. He shrugged as he sipped at his beer. "It won't be fair to any of the women when they won't be able to get my full attention. And it won't be fair to the person I'm dating. I never cheat."

"Huh." Mizuki shook his head. "Of all the possible reasons for you to stop sleeping around, that was the last one on my list."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Koujaku growled.

Mizuki grinned, unafraid and unrepentant. "What? You've never shown any interest in a long-term relationship before, not that way. I thought you were going to spend the rest of your life happily single."

"People _can_ change, you know."

"Evidently," Mizuki said cheerfully. "I'm just glad to see that you've finally matured enough to settle down, instead of just sleeping around like you'd been doing."

Koujaku narrowed his eyes at Mizuki. "Oy, don't talk like you're much older than me or something."

Mizuki laughed. "Fine, fine. Are you going to bring her here eventually? I'd like to meet this amazing woman who managed to catch your eye."

Koujaku stared down at the bar counter, eyes following the minor scratches and dents on the polished surface. There was an evasive reply on the tip of his tongue, but it didn't feel right to avoid the question. Mizuki had immediately assumed it was a woman, and really, he had expected that, but it annoyed him for some reason.

Telling Mizuki would change his image in Mizuki's eyes, and he was honestly terrified of what those changes would be. But he couldn't hide this forever, and he knew for sure that if he wasn't honest _now_ , it would only hurt Mizuki's feelings when Mizuki found that Koujaku had indirectly deceived him.

He sucked in a breath, let it out slowly, before raising his head and meeting Mizuki's curious eyes squarely with his own, a tiny smile curling his mouth. "In a month or so, probably, I'll have to ask first, he's not really the kind of guy that likes to hang out in bars and such."

Koujaku had said it as casually as possible, but Mizuki was far too sharp to miss the deliberate choice of words. Mizuki stared at him for a long while, expression puzzled, before he frowned at the bottle in front of Koujaku. "Drunk already? I could have sworn you said 'guy', but you've barely touched your beer."

"Please, it'll take a lot more than that to get me drunk. And I never make that kind of mistake sober."

Mizuki's eyes widened into circles. His mouth opened, then closed, then opened again, as if he couldn't quite settle on what to say. Koujaku clenched his hands together in his lap, not quite able to hide his nervousness, even while he kept a polite smile on his face.

But then Mizuki suddenly grinned, and Koujaku felt the knot of tension in his chest loosen slightly.

"Wow." Mizuki laughed and shook his head. "Okay. That was...not what I expected, but okay." He tilted his head to one side. "I didn't even think you were into guys that way."

Koujaku felt the smile on his face ease into something a little more real and relaxed. "I thought the same at first," he said with a shrug. "It caught me by surprise."

"I bet." There was a familiar mischievous light in Mizuki's eyes, the one that promised Koujaku that he was in for a round of good-natured teasing. "Your fans are going to be so heartbroken, when they realise that they've lost one of Midorijima's most eligible bachelors to a man."

Koujaku resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "Stop talking nonsense. I'm not that popular."

"That's easy for you to say. You're so used to the attention that you don't even notice it. Now that you're off the market, at least us regular guys have a chance."

This time Koujaku did roll his eyes. "What is it with you and Kou and everyone else acting like I go around stealing girlfriends or something? I don't do that sort of thing."

"Not on purpose, you mean. All you have to do is smile and look pretty, and all the girls flock to you like moths to a flame." Mizuki heaved a great sigh, and affected a pitiful, wounded look. "It hurts a man's ego, to realise that he could never live up to the great Koujaku, despite the fact that Koujaku is a terrible womaniser."

"Please stop talking," Koujaku complained, but Mizuki only laughed back at him.

But even while he felt his cheeks heat with discomfort, he felt that knot in his chest vanish with the sound of Mizuki's laughter. That was good; if Mizuki was still able to tease him, it means that their friendship did not change despite Koujaku's confession. He felt blessed, to be able to count Mizuki as a friend, and it felt good to know that he can be honest with Mizuki in some things.

"Does anyone else know?" Mizuki asked, once his laughter had died down. "That you're dating a guy, I mean."

Koujaku shook his head. "No. You're the first and only one to know, so far. And if you don't mind, I'd like to keep it that way, at least for now."

"Really?" Mizuki raised his eyebrows. "I'm honoured, but you haven't even told Aoba? Why?"

"It's...complicated." Koujaku grimaced. "He and I aren't officially going out yet. He's in another country right now; so far all we've done is talk on Coil."

"Ouch." Mizuki gave him a sympathetic look. "Long distance relationship, huh. That's rough."

"Yeah. He's busy with work, though, so I don't mind."

"I see. That's very admirable, though, that you two are willing to make it work, despite the distance."

Koujaku thought about Noiz, living too close to the parents that had neglected and mistreated him so badly, busy figuring out how to work _with_ people instead of doing things alone, and yet he was able to find time to call Koujaku and talk to him about his life, to share things that probably had never been shared with anyone else.

Koujaku ducked his head, trying and failing to repress a smile. "Yeah. He's trying so hard, over there. I couldn't not do the same for him."

Mizuki said nothing in response. In fact, he was silent for so long that Koujaku had to look up, wondering if he had been distracted by something else.

Mizuki was staring at him, eyes and mouth rounded with shock, and Koujaku gave him a narrow-eyed glare. "What's up with that face?"

Mizuki blinked, and then he smiled, the corners of his eyes crinkling with it. "Oh, it's nothing," he said.

"That creepy smile did not look like 'nothing'. Spit it out already."

Mizuki shrugged, and his smile widened into a grin. "Just a little surprised, is all. I've never seen you look so besotted before. I was half-expecting you to sigh with longing while you gazed dreamily into the distance."

" _Besot–_ what the fuck, Mizuki, you made me sound like a teenaged girl."

"You are doing a very good impression of one though."

Koujaku snarled at him, but Mizuki was not intimidated; he only laughed and raised his hands placatingly.

"Relax, big guy. I'm really glad for you. This guy clearly makes you happy, if your earlier face was any indication. And it shows in your work as well, obviously."

 _Shows in my work?_ Koujaku frowned. "I'm sorry. What do you mean by that?"

"Well..." Mizuki scratched at the teardrop on his cheek, his expression a little unsure. "I mean, your business has been doing very well lately, hasn't it? I hear from people that you seem a lot more focused on your job, and some of your customers have been talking about how serious you are now when you're cutting hair, and that they're glad you've stopped bringing clients to your home like you've done in the past."

Koujaku frowned. "Really? I haven't been doing anything different."

"Mm-hmm." Mizuki leaned on the bar counter, propping his head up on one arm. "I wouldn't know, the bar keeps me too busy to be able to watch you at work first-hand, but if they see what I see in you now, I am not surprised that you've attracted more customers."

" _Mizuki_ ," Koujaku said, exasperated. He loved his friend, but Mizuki tended to fall into a coy, mysterious mood that made it difficult to get any real answers out of him. "Stop beating around the bush and just say what you wish to say."

"You seem... _contented_ , I think is the right word. Definitely happier." Mizuki's mouth tilted into a wry smile. "It used to be that when you drank a lot, you would get this faraway look in your eyes. I had thought a few times to myself, Koujaku looks so sad and lonely, what sort of things would put that dark look on his face? But I didn't know how to ask if I can help you, because each time someone interrupted you during those moments, you'd put a smile on your face like everything was fine." 

Koujaku stared at Mizuki, feeling a little shocked, and more than a little embarrassed as well. He sometimes forgot how observant his friend is, despite the easygoing veneer. Mizuki had a frightening ability to just _know_ what was going on with the people around him; he'd once cheerfully said that "It's a barkeep's job to keep an eye on his customers", although Koujaku suspected it was simply a result of Mizuki's people-watching hobby. It made Mizuki a very effective team leader, since very little slipped past him.

He gave Mizuki a half-smile and tipped his head in acknowledgement. "I apologise for making you worry about me."

"Oh no, don't apologise," Mizuki said hurriedly. "If anything I should be the one giving apologies. I should have asked you about it, at the very least, and tried to help if I could. I just...I didn't feel like I want to impose my assumptions on you, you know? I didn't want to risk offending you by prying." Mizuki's hand fluttered up to his throat, fingers almost touching where the Morphine tattoo had been.

 _Ah._ Koujaku sighed, and shook his head. "I suppose we both weren't very good at being honest about our troubles to our friends, hm?"

"Yeah," Mizuki murmured, his face solemn. "I suppose so."

A moment of silence passed, as both of them sank briefly into their respective memories of past mistakes. Mizuki let out a long sigh, and summoned a bright smile. "Well, what's done is done. The important part is that we can move on from our past, right? I never saw that dark look on your face since you came back from Platinum Jail, and it makes me glad to know that you are happy. Clearly whoever this guy is, he's been good for you." His eyes twinkled with mischief again. "You really should bring him here someday, when you get the chance. I want test this guy properly, make sure he's a strong person."

Koujaku considered this, imagining Noiz's reaction to it, and snorted with involuntary laughter. Given that Mizuki's idea of testing people usually involved a great deal of alcohol, Noiz would likely be incredulous at the idea of being 'tested', if not outright scornful about it. "Why are you acting like an overprotective older brother all of a sudden? I'm insulted that you think I can't take care of myself."

Mizuki grinned and shrugged. "Physically, maybe. But since you've never been in a relationship for more than a couple of weeks, at most, I'm a bit concerned for you. I'm not sure your unpractised heart can take the strain of commitment so well."

"Mizuki?"

"Yes?

"Fuck off."

Mizuki, the jerk, only laughed at him, before his face softened into a gentler smile. He reached a hand out and lightly patted Koujaku's shoulder. "Hey, Koujaku, I'm really glad you told me. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'll always be ready to listen, all right?"

Koujaku smiled back and picked up his bottle. "Only if you let me do the same for you."

"It's a promise, then," Mizuki said, raising his own bottle.

They clinked their bottles together, and then took a good long drink of beer. Or rather, Koujaku did, but Mizuki did not, because he was a jackass when he wanted to be, and he waited until Koujaku had a good mouthful before abruptly asking: "So, who's the top and who's the bottom?"

Koujaku ended up inhaling beer up his nose.

* * *

Much later, Koujaku found himself sprawled on his bed, pleasantly tipsy, while his mind whirled around Mizuki's question.

In the undignified spluttering that occurred immediately after, he had managed to deflect from answering the question, and Mizuki had laughingly dropped the subject.

But alone in his room, his brain swimming in a decent amount of alcohol, Koujaku found that he couldn't quite let go of that question himself.

It wasn't the mechanics of it that bothered him; anal sex wasn't something that he often done with women, but it should work the same way for men. Lots of lube, lots of prep. That much, at least, he understood.

But he had assumed that he would be the one to take the driver's seat, as it were. Probably a foolish assumption, in hindsight. They were both men, after all, and Koujaku had not forgotten the lustful hunger in Noiz's eyes when he'd casually asked if Koujaku wanted to be fucked, back in Platinum Jail.

The memory alone made Koujaku's face flush even more than it already was, and he buried his face in his pillow, feeling acutely embarrassed. He'd thought that he would be disgusted by the idea, but he only felt a kind of nervous curiosity.

Would Noiz even know what to do, though? They'd only kissed twice, but Koujaku got the impression that Noiz was far from experienced, at least when it came to sexual pleasure. It would make sense, given Noiz's lack of sensation; he probably couldn't feel arousal, not properly at least. He grimaced, remembering how Noiz had casually offered his body, like it was worthless to him. It made Koujaku's heart ache to think about it, and he had the urge to hold Noiz close, press his face into the head of unruly strawberry-blond hair.

 _I miss him_ , he thought, startled by the realisation of it. It was ridiculous, illogical, but at the same time thoroughly unsurprising. He remembered his mother's fond, sad look when Koujaku, still too young to understand why they'd been summoned to the mainland, had told her that he missed Aoba, and asked when would they be able to go back to Midorijima and visit him.

She'd smiled at him, her eyes moist as she ruffled his hair. _You give your heart away so easily, little sparrow, just like me_ , she'd said. _You have to be more careful with who you chose to care for. Don't make the same mistakes your mother did, hm?_

...too late for that, it seemed. He really was his mother's son.

Without really thinking about it, Koujaku reached for his Coil, and it wasn't until he heard Noiz's lazy "Hello?" that he realised he had pulled it down onto his pillow and had dialled Noiz's number.

For a moment he just lay there, abruptly tongue-tied, not sure what he should even say. "Hi," he said, breaking the silence before it became too awkward. "Uhm. I hope I'm not interrupting anything."

"It's fine," Noiz said. "What's up? I thought you said were busy tonight. Weren't you supposed to be drinking your friends?"

"'Friend', singular. I went to see Mizuki. I, uh, might have told him. About you and I. Kind of."

"Oh? That sounds ominous. Should I be worried?"

Koujaku knew Noiz was likely just teasing, but he thought about the question seriously, and let out a sigh. "I wouldn't know, honestly. I told Mizuki that I was dating a guy, and he seemed okay with it. He said he wants to meet you, actually, but I don't know how he'll react once he knows it's _you_. I know you said before that you've stopped playing Rhyme, but...Mizuki used to have a grudge against Rhyme because it competed with Rib, and I really don't know if he still holds that grudge."

"I see." Noiz made a quiet hum, like he tended to do when he was thinking. "Do you intend to tell him that you're dating a well-known Rhyme player? I don't mind if you won't tell him about me; Mizuki is your good friend, I understand if you don't want to ruin your friendship."

Koujaku frowned. He never wanted to keep his relationship with Noiz a secret forever, even if the consequences made him nervous; there was nothing shameful about caring for a person, and he won't act like it was. It disturbed him to hear Noiz talk about it like he half-expected Koujaku to hide him like dirty laundry. "No, no, I'll introduce the two of you properly. If Mizuki has a problem...well, we'll deal with that hurdle when we get there."

The hum Noiz made this time was a doubtful one, but if he had anything to say about it he chose not to voice it. "If you say so. Is that why you called me?"

The question abruptly reminded Koujaku of the thoughts that had led to the call in the first place, and the embarrassment came flooding back. Koujaku knew he probably should wave it off with a white lie, but...

Maybe it was the streak of honesty he had started with his admission to Mizuki, or maybe it was the alcohol that had yet to work its way fully out of his system, so when he opened his mouth, what came out instead was: "I miss you."

Noiz was silent, but even without seeing him, Koujaku could tell it was a surprised sort of silence. He was feeling a little stunned himself; saying those words out loud gave them a weight that he wasn't sure he was ready to handle. He laughed awkwardly, rubbing a hand over the sudden itching rush of blood to his face. "Ah, I'm sorry for that. I know it sounds needy and you probably do not feel the same, and I don't want to impose on you with my feelings. But I just...I just left a little lonely, and I wanted to hear your voice, so I called."

"...I understand," Noiz said, his voice cool and without inflection, as it usually was, and Koujaku felt his embarrassment grow to nearly unbearable proportions until Noiz spoke again, his voice a mere whisper, intimate and gentle, "I miss you, as well."

And just like that, the embarrassment vanished, only to be replaced by a weird joy. Koujaku might even call it a _giddy_ kind of joy.

 _Mizuki was right after all,_ he thought mournfully. _I am turning into a teenage girl._

As if he sensed the sudden change of mood, Noiz let out a soft chuckle. "So...my voice is important to you?" he asked. "You needed to hear it when you're touching yourself?"

...

_...What?_

"What the _fuck?_ " Koujaku yelped. "No!"

"So you didn't need my voice? Didn't know you have such a vivid imagination."

"I'm not touching myself, you idiot," Koujaku snarled, even while his face burned at the idea of it. "I don't do that sort of thing!"

"Really?" Noiz said, his tone surprised. "Why not? I thought it was a thing that most guys do, masturbating every now and then."

 _Is this guy serious?_ Koujaku frowned at his Coil, wondering if Noiz was just teasing him, or was actually being curious. "Why would you want to know about that?"

"Because I want to know why  _you_ don't do it," Noiz said, sounding completely serious. "Maybe it seems like a dumb question to you, but I don't know about these sort of things. Sex just wasn't something that interested me before, because I couldn't feel it. But we've kissed and I know we both like it. Logically, sex will happen, and there's no merit if I remained ignorant. That is why I am asking you. I want to understand you, so I can know what makes you feel good."

Koujaku choked. 

 _This guy...how does Noiz say something like that with such a sincere tone?_   He let out a soft laugh, feeling both touched and rueful. It still felt a little strange to realise Noiz could be so straightforward, acting like a completely different person from the distant, emotionless boy that he was when they first met. 

Ah, well. There was no harm rewarding such an honest attitude. "I just...erm, how should I say this...I just don't feel good when I pleasure myself while a person isn't there, you know? It felt selfish and dishonest, and a bit demeaning towards whoever I was fantasising about." Koujaku sighed. "It's kind of a silly reason, but there you go."

"Hmm." Noiz was making that thinking hum again, but something about it made Koujaku tense up, feeling wary all of a sudden. "What if that person you were fantasising about knew you were doing it?"

 _Huh?_ "Meaning?"

"We  _are_ talking to each other right now, after all," Noiz said. "It wouldn't be selfish if I know that you're masturbating right now, while I listened to you, right?"

Koujaku sucked in a breath. 

"How about it?" Noiz asked, and there was a decidedly  _wicked_ tone to his voice that shouldn't be so hot. But despite the ridiculousness of Noiz's suggestion, and his not-quite-sober state, Koujaku could feel his cock begin to swell at the idea. 

"Noiz..." The word came out as a croak; feeling mortified, Koujaku cleared his suddenly too-dry throat, and spoke again, "Noiz, this is a bad idea, you're at work."

"I'm alone in my office, the door is locked," Noiz answered. There was the clink of a belt buckle and the slide of a zipper. This...Noiz can't be serious. Was he actually just going to take his dick out like that? "And there's no surveillance here, I've made sure of that. No one else could see or hear what I'm doing. It's just you and me."

Koujaku could feel his pulse quicken. This was such a bad,  _bad_ idea, and he should stop it, like the responsible adult that he was. But Koujaku's body chose to remind him that it's been two months since he'd last had sex, and it had  _needs_ that he had not been fulfilling. His cock was a heavy weight between his legs, growing harder with each heartbeat. 

He was probably going to regret this after, but at that moment, Koujaku simply didn't feel like caring. He let out a shaky breath and closed his eyes, his hand drifting down over his abdomen and stopping just shy of his groin. "I should warn you that I've never done anything like this before," he said. "I won't know how to even start."

"Then we're on equal ground," Noiz said, amused. "I guess I should start then. What are you wearing?"

"Um...nothing? I usually sleep in the nude."

"Ah. So you're naked  _and_ on your bed already. You're making this very easy for me. Are you hard right now?"

Koujaku shuddered. Noiz's voice had softened, pitch dropping until it was a low purr that seemed to ghost over his skin. Since when had Noiz learned to pitch his voice like that? "Yeah," he breathed out.

"Touch yourself," Noiz ordered, and as if hypnotised Koujaku reached down, gripping the base of his cock and slowly twisting his hand upward, letting out a moan at the sensation. 

"Mmm, yes, you sound so sexy," Noiz murmured. "I wish I was there to hear it in person though. I want to touch you right now, feel your cock in my hand, want to hear more of those sounds come out of your mouth."

 _God._ Koujaku moaned, imagining Noiz in bed with him, a taunting smirk curving his lips and his bright green eyes watching his face avidly as a hand roughly strokes over Koujaku's cock, thumb pressing into the slit and spreading the wetness there over the tip. 

"Yeah, just like that," Noiz said, his voice low and warm. "I can hear how wet you are already. You must be leaking so much. How dirty, dripping all over like that. What a pervert."

Normally Koujaku would have taken offence at that, but at the moment, his body buzzing with arousal, he only felt a thrum of amusement at Noiz's words. "Who's calling who a pervert?" he panted out. "You were the one who, ah, wanted to hear me stroking my cock while you talk dirty to me. If anyone is the bigger pervert here, it's you." 

"Is that so?" Noiz asked, his tone challenging, and Koujaku smiled. 

"Oh, yes. I remember how you ground your ass down on me back in Platinum Jail, like you were hungry for it." He heard Noiz gasp softly, and it made him smile even more. "I really liked that, you know. You'd look so nice sitting on my lap, riding on my cock. Or would you rather be on all fours while I fill you up from behind, again and again?" 

Noiz made a choked-off groan, like he was biting on his lip. Koujaku could imagine that lower lip turning red and spit-slick, and he let out his own groan, his hand flying faster over his erection. He could feel his balls drawing up, his climax nearing. 

"Shit, I really want to fuck you," he breathed out. "Want to kiss you and hold you close. Feel your,  _ngh_ , feel your skin beneath my hands. I want to make you feel good."

"Please," Noiz said, his voice a keening whimper, and that was it, Koujaku arched up and came, splattering over his chest and belly. He could hear Noiz's breathing hitch just before there was a soft groan, and he knew that Noiz had come too. 

For a moment they both basked in the afterglow, as their breathing slowly evened out. Then Koujaku heard Noiz shift, followed by an irritated sound.

"Damn it, some got on the carpeting," Noiz grumbled, and Koujaku couldn't help it; he burst out laughing, imagining how ridiculous Noiz must look, sitting alone in his office with his dick hanging out of his clothes. 

"That'll be awkward to explain to the cleaners," he teased lightly. 

"Eh, they've probably seen worse stains," Noiz said. 

"True," Koujaku murmured, letting out a yawn. He felt tired all of a sudden, the alcohol and post-orgasm lassitude abruptly catching up with him. "Well, we just...yeah. Was that everything you wanted to know?"

"Maybe. Might have to do it several more times, just to be sure."

The cheeky tone of Noiz's words made Koujaku snort. "Greedy brat," he said, attempting to sound stern but ended up sounding more fond instead. "I'll leave you to your work then. Good night."

"Good night, Koujaku."

Koujaku ended the call, and placed his Coil back on its usual place on the windowsill. His limbs felt heavy; for a while he toyed with the idea of just going to sleep like that, but eventually he slid to the edge of his bed and got up, shuffling his way to his bathroom. The sheets were freshly laundered, and he would really rather not dirty them so soon. 

What a strange, unexpected night it had been. He turned the shower tap on, and stepped under the spray of water, and then spent a moment just feeling the rush of water over his overheated skin. 

He couldn't believe that he let Noiz talk him into doing that. He'd thought it would be awkward, masturbating while Noiz talked to him through his Coil, but it had ended up being far more sexy and fun then expected. Noiz's voice when he spoke, and the filthy words he had said...

If that was how he talked when he was so inexperienced, Noiz would probably be terrifying once he learned more about sex.

Koujaku let out a sigh, his head falling to thunk on the wall.

His fault, really. He could have called a halt to it earlier, but he only ended up encouraging Noiz, somewhat indirectly. 

Shaking his head, he reached for the soap. No point thinking about it much further. He may have been a little drunk, but he was still aware enough to know what he was doing. And since this was the path he'd chosen, he won't turn back and run away like a coward. That was what the old Koujaku would have done, before Aoba talked to him and Scrapped him. 

This was his life now, his new routine. He had changed, mostly for the better, and he was determined to keep it that way. For everyone's sake. 

**Author's Note:**

> This was such a weird chapter to write. Mostly because I wasn't sure how to write out Koujaku's feelings re: Scrap. There's a lot of borrowed elements from the Koujaku x Aoba Drama CDs, in case you were wondering why some of it seems familiar, although I've tried to keep it as minimally spoiler-y as possible.


End file.
